zippers are such a cool invention
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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