happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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