I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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