i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
