I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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