last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
