my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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