At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
