I wish I could teleport
I faked an abortion last night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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