Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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