I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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