The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
