Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
