He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
