She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
