I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
