Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
