Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
