I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
