1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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