I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
