Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
