i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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