my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
