no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
