You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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