I wish I only lived at night.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
