i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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