Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
