Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
