i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
