3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
