Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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