how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's blow job season.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
