the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
In other news, I just burned my penis
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
