The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
