I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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