I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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