Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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