Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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