right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
