dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
