I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
