i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
