This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
