8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
