If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
