you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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