hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
