i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
