I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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